Several months ago, I began talking to someone I met on twitter. Zhe was interesting, different, and fun to talk to, and I originally thought that would be it. I had hoped to meet hir in person, but honestly didn't really expect to. We come from two very different places, two different worlds, two different times, the logistics of it seemed rather impossible. Much to my surprise, a short time later Fal invited me to visit. The minute I met hir, I felt something different....happy in a way I had never been. Zhe has such a way about hir. If I was honest with myself, I knew I was in danger of losing my heart to hir the moment I laid eyes on hir, but the heart has its ways of protecting itself. It gives us the ability to deny how we feel, hiding out, until our heads are ready to feel what it feels.
We had a really great weekend together, and continued to see each other when we could. Despite the protest in my heart, I convinced myself that it would simply be a fun way to spend my time off, enjoying time with a good friend and lover. When Fal told me zhe loved me, I had a brief moment of panic, worried I'd be forced to face what I felt. When zhe showed me what zhe meant, I was relieved. It was a definition I could handle.
Things were calm for a while after that, until we visited Jandazia. Something about seeing hir on hir planet, where zhe comes from, it shook me. I was afraid zhe would eventually leave, return home, perhaps to be with Zin and Verm and baby Fal. I was afraid I'd become nothing but a fond memory, and that fear forced me to admit how deeply I cared for Fal, how much I wanted hir in my life, not just for now, but for the future as well.
That in itself is a scary proposition for me. After a very difficult childhood, I finally had a life I was comfortable with, and a plan on what my future would look like. How would what be affected? How could we work out hir life on the ship and my life in New York? What if it didn't work out? Could I handle that kind of loss and heartbreak? I've never been in a relationship, am I even able to do so? I know I can sometimes be rather stubborn and self-centered. Right or wrong, I've become accustomed to a certain status, a certain way of life.
In the end though, Fal's simple way of thinking, and confidence in us set aside those fears, and the walls I set around my heart came down. I love hir. Zhe loves me. The rest can be worked out. Zhe believes that, so I am choosing to as well. I'm still afraid, I still worry, but it is no longer the driving force behind my thinking, love and faith in us is. And that feels really good.
I'm happy, really happy, and I smile a lot more these days. Zhe is very good for me, and I love hir. That is what is important. Someone very wise taught me that, and I am forever grateful for that lesson. Good thing I have all the time in the world to thank hir for that.
